I am a christian lesbian deep in thought.

No music... Just a breeze through my window...

Thinking about me being a lesbian and God's thoughts about it.

It's hard not to think. Ya know? It's inevitable...

"One can not serve two Gods, because eventually he will love one and hate the other."- My dad. (prolly quoted from sum other person...)

It's not possible for me to hate God or women in general. I honestly don't know what to think. Hard to not question myself. Am I going to Hell?

Why did He give me this feeling. Nothing feels quite as right as when I'm with a woman. Is it the sex part? Cuz if it is... then all forms of sex is a sin. And the "other God" I'm "serving" is pleasure.

Does that mean I have to swear off sex? I don't want to have sex with a man. I want to have sex with a woman. Why is it not a sin for a man to have sex with a woman but it is supposedly a sin for me and other women to? It's all the same to me. Pleasure...

Yea. Men and women were created. To make children. Yes I understand that and I agree with that. But after the children come... what then? What if the love and affection don't exist as intense as with the same sex for either person? The man loves a man and the woman loves a woman. They (we) can't do what feels right? I don't believe that God is cruel enough to do that to us. To have us be attracted to the same gender emotionally, physically, and every other way...

I asked God for an answer... I don't think I've gotten an answer yet. Weird thing is my girlfriend thinks it's a sin to be a lesbian. That would make her a hypocrite, right? She was raised in the church and believes she's going to Hell. Then why do it??

I don't believe I'm going to Hell. I don't believe I was born gay either. I was born neither straight nor gay but, since I'm human, I decided to find pleasure in human things. And girls provide that for me abundantly as well as other connetions that go beyond the physical.

This does not mean that I'm replacing my spirituality with physicality. It's love all around. He put women in my life that have connected with me on levels that the world has deemed unnatural.

I guess if all this is true and in order to be a "good Christian", I'll have to be celibate and devote myself to God. But you know what?... I don't know if that's possible for most people. To quit sex. I mean...yea it is for...uhm...people who really want to.

I know that I don't want to do that. Is that a slap in the face to God? :-( I wish I knew for certain.

And once the sex part is out... the emotional comes in. And that part is all the more intense...

How is that serving two Gods though? I love God and everything He's done for me and just because He is my creator and savior. I want to be a good person, do his will and fulfill my destiny (whatever that may be). I feel that being myself- lesbian and all- is crucial to for me to do that.


I try my best to follow God and ask for His guidance and strive not to be hypocrite. I hate being human. I wish I was a lesser animal. So I wouldn't have to deal with wondering. Homosexuality is maaaaaaaad natural in the wild. Lol.

And I'm pretty sure we are all basically animals with more advanced brain workings and what not... Which is how God came to be discovered. And faith was created. Well... that's how I think about it.

To be continued. . .