The trouble with being myself.

I am relating to a psychopath.. apparently...



"It never adds up when you do your math..."

"Love is a desert and I need it to rain..."

"Love is butter won't you be my bread?..."

Never knew how much I fucking LOVE Macy Gray. She's like a throwback to a past life wen i was a popstar. Lol. I relate to everything she sings and top of that, her mind is all over the place. My kinda girl.

Anywayz... This baked ziti is the bomb.

I'll take this one on the chin I guess. And try harder at life. Cuz it's a real drag rite now.

I hang out sometimes but it's mostly me and me. Is she the one for me? I believe so.

Meanwhile, I do have a lot of time. Then again, I have only this moment. Simple.

:::FLASHBACK::::
I remember when I used to write stories that were medleys of band names and song titles... They were pretty cute.

Great song...A moment to myself... The lyrics are occasionally my mantra...



I bitch alot. Sometimes about nothing. Sometimes about everything. That don't mean I dont realize wat i got and wat i could lose. God is watching and sooner or later...he'll show up. And soooo...



The lyrics are kickass. No doubt. I'm in the process of cleaning up. So...

Peace...

Things Fall Apart, Just Pray

Drama found me. You know how I hate drama. And no matter how i avoid it, it sneaks up on me...

You know how mothers are important to daughters... I'm always worrying about her..
Typing rite now is so hard for some reason. It usually comes so fluid... ya know?

I feel like many things are ending. Some things I've prayed to end for a long time cuz I know that they don't belong.

The other, I did't expect to end at all. It all came in such a flash...

Overwhelming me and I need time to handle it but there is none. It's all out of my control.

I know things don't always work in my favor. They hardly ever do and I'm used to it.

But at this moment, I feel like I'm caught in a whirlwind. I know this is supposed to be a vacation but it feels nothing like it.



For a while now, I haven't been able to paint like I need to. But I brought paint and canvas over here with me. So tommorrow morning, hopefully I can get something going on...

I told myself that I wouldn't break down. But I didn't keep that promise. And now I feel weak.

Strength is somewhere there... I know it is... I've felt it before...

I feel like I'm floating... When my heart is so heavy, my mind leaves my body and I can't function and I panic. And that's when I need my closest people by my side...

Some are coming through but others aren't.

December 11 is a day that I'm preparing for while all this other shit is happening.

I'm waiting for Hunter to contact me.

I need to find passion within me. Now. NOW.

I feel like my efforts are only a drop in the bucket. I feel like crying some more tho. I need some support.

I know today is Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for my family, my friends, my health, my past and my future. I thank God every day. Literally. Cuz I know I can lose it all in one second.

At the same time, I have worries and a heart full of sorrow. That I' trying to mend into hope. Desperately.

Writing about it helps alot. I'm contemplating my dreams and fears at this moment in time.



"Without pieces, you can never build something new."

I'll go into more detail tommorrow tho.

It's dessert time.

*gobble gobble*

Uhm

I'm eating cup noodles and drinking green tea. I love this feeling.

That's about the only peace I've had in the past couple days... So much has happened.

But I had a feeling change was gonna come... I absolutely knew it. But that doesn't mean I as prepared...

I'm afraid of what may come... and I'm afraid of typing out my fears here on the screen about my family, my love, and my future... cuz it's all so real. The ones who read this blog kinda know me... that I panic... But then again... I've always said what I had to say and what I've thought... Maybe within the next week, It'll all come out of my fingers...I'm off till Sunday. So I have time to think and recuperate...and most likely panic some more...

Going to north carolina for thanksgiving. Leaving in about twenty minutes...

Ttyl...

Sick and Tired!!!!

That's how I feel working so much with no personal advancement to speak of.

Exhausted. Ugh. I'm too young to be working full time and close to overtime. My mind is DEF NOT doing backflips and poplocks...

Anyway. I haven't painted in a while. Again. It's like a steady thing now. And I feel like I'm wasting away. I know this post is not very uplifting... Forgive me.

And FEEL FREE to leave sum inspiration in my comment box. Just a little upliftage...

And sooooooooo. I'm looking for a new job. :-D One that doesn't threaten to kill me.

Hmmmmm. Today marks the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall. Sweet. That lightened my mood a little bit.

Uhm. I'm kinda blank. I think mite gesso some cardboard rite now. I bought acrylic paint. Oh and here's an oil painting that I did a couple weeks ago that i think never made it on here.



I need time to myself or mite just explode. The feeling I get when I know I'm doing something great is incomparable to any other feeling in this world.

I want to wear a dress with sum tights and boots and a sexy jacket. I want to spend hours in my room painting without worrying about losing my job. I want to read books of poetry. I want to go to barnes and noble and pick up books that have been on my list for quite a while... I need to relax.

I wanna be myself again. I know it's possible to not be stressed to the limit and still do what I gotta do. I've been there before. And I miss it.



...I'm trying.

Nuff said. Buh bye.