Poem to Take Back the Day

'...Forgive me
for making a living
for not being defined by what you think
if you do not feed me or fuck me
you cannot wear a white wig in judgment of my choices...'- Rant: In defense of my choices by Staceyann Chin

That quote has been stuck in my head. When she says feed, I'd like to think she means to be fed emotionally, spiritually...I felt like a warrior tonite. I couldn't back down from my mom when she told me that I can't make my own life decisions.

Why the fuck does she feel like she can control me when she hasn't been there for me for the last couple of years. When any normal kid would need her parents. But, now that I don't need her, she thinks she can pull the leash and get me under control?! No. It doesn't work like that. I said it respectfully. I know what I want to do and I can make my own decisions. The thing is that she doesn't respect me or my intelligence.

It just makes me livid that she wants to confine me. I will not be confined. No. And I'm not afraid to say no. Inside of me is a force. And it can not be moved. I have a purpose and it does not include "babysitting for 4 months until I start college."

Nah man... life is not a rehearsal, I gotta live it now. (Thanx Janelle Monae.)

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So, I basically ran away from house to home. From Baldwin to da Bronx. Snuck all my clothes from over there to here. My room is bare. All my shit is looking at me from across the room. Prolly cuz they don't know where they're gonna end up. I don't know where I'm going but I'm ready to go there.

But now is the time to act is NOW. Whatever happens I know what I will do. If I make the fall 2009 semester, I'll be in Chicago my next weekend. And that would make me so happy. You wouldn't believe.

And If I make the spring 2010 semester... It's job-gettin time. Keep my brain and body active, yo. I'm a movement action learning type of person. One way or another, I have to grow.

I ain't no slave. I will risk everything. I look at it like.. I'm grateful for what I've got but I will gladly walk away from it and make my own. As soon as possible. If I fuck it up, I can try again. Simple.

I feel strong. Black. Female. Gay. Wow. That's alot to deal with. But I rock it to the fullest. Destiny is approaching. Nothing can stop me. I serve a great God, yo. And he really has blessed me with strength.



And...HOLD THE PHONE... Alot of couple of people have come to me and asked am i religious. There is a big difference between being faithful and being religious, y'all. Check yoselves.

And check this...->



Cool right? I think so. I'm searching for the whole thing online...It fits my mood.
Anyway...

Uhm.. the sun is coming up. I'm restless. I'm thirsty. I'm horny. Lol. I'm excited for my life.

I painted yesterday!!!!!

:-) But I won't post it cuz it's just a start. Plus, I left it in Baldwin. Lol. So no pic.

But I brought my canvases, paint, brushes, and easel with me over here. New images alight from my fingertips itching to show you who i am.

And I just found some (more) hardcore inspiration!!!! <--- CLICK ON IT!!!!!! NOW!!!!

She makes me want to slow down in a new type of way...

And a new artist named Krista Franklin... Wow. :-)


I have so many plans. I don't know which ones to follow through on. Cuz I don't know where I'm going!!! EXCITING RITE??!!!

Self Portrait: No Rest for the Weary

"Under constant revision is the poem that I be."- Blue Scholars

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Blue Scholars kept me sane today yo...

This week is turning out to be... creative.

I don't think I'm going to the school I've been working towards for the past 6 months. Crazy right??!!!

I'm still pushing for Chicago... but I just applied to a school (essay and fee in all in about an hour!) about five minutes away from the original plan. I'm living on a prayer... That really does explain it all.



My life be like.. I love that song. The lyrics are mad insightful. And it struck a cord within me today.

(Honestly, my ipod nano is a blessing. Lol.)

Funny how I work so hard for something and It doesn't work out the way I expect. I'm not that upset though... I know things will work out. They ALWAYS do.


Maybe, even though I haven't painted anything or created anything tangible in a while... I feel like a true artist. I'm shaping my life like... silly putty... not quite ceramic.

: P

Anyway... Tomorrow is another busy busy day... High school visit, college phone calls, post office.

Can't stop. Won't stop.

2 sticks and one stone: shine

Every time you feel the Spirit start, don't stop. Just Pray. Thanx Ms. Wise.

Tonite (or technically last night) from 8pm to midnite was the Breakthrough Prayer meeting at my church.

We prayed together, separately, out loud, silently, we danced, we sang, we marched around like the army around the city of ?Jericho? to break down the walls of our problems. God is bigger than our problems.

After the amazing night, of which i twittered, I got a response twitter from one of my best friends asking me why I'm getting so "religious".

I had to stop and look at it like "wtf? is she serious?? why is she hatin??".

Then my stepmom looked at me and said "don't let anyone steal ur joy."

I was like "...word."

And all is well...Psalm 23.

the messengers

"My dreams are older than me. My faith is stronger than me. My words are wiser than me. My love is deeper than me."- Knaan

I've been thinking about if I don't make it to Chicago. I have to move forward. I feel like I'm in this alone no matter who encourages me not to give up (God bless them) because it's only me who knows what's in my head and what I think and how I find the strength to move on and ahead.

All I can feel is pain and hope and faith. Those who know me...know that I don't scare very easily and I don't give up. Why am I always so positive in the worst personal situations? I don't know. I scare myself sometimes...

I like danger. And i like battles. And I love not knowing the future.

This song has followed me throughout my whole life. No lie. It comes on the radio always at the right time... I makes the fire inside my heart all the more stronger...--->



Anyway, I have a Breakthrough Prayer Meeting 2nite at 8pm till 12pm. Yo, I hope this is a great experience... I trust that it will be tho.

2day was a great day. Everyday, I thank God for the breath in my lungs to experience the greatness in this world. And I thank Him for the people I meet who inspire me to change my life or the way I see things.



Books that have changed my mind(set)/life:

Joyful Morning

My cup runneth over. :-)

RENAISSANCE WOMAN.

"Tell me a story and take me away
C'mon and take me oooo
C'mon and take me with u.

Life is, better
Now that, now that Ive found you."

I'm so restless right now...I'm opening my mouth to scream yet nothin comes out!!!! Ugh!!!

I feel stifled and my mind is filled with so many thoughts and and I realize that I'm just thinking too much cuz it's all in my head. Frustration is not fun but it's how i feel right now. Part of me doesn't want to leave cuz I feel like I'm missing out on so much. But then the other part wants to miss it.

Today::::I went to Barnes and Noble on 86th and Lexington and just chilled for about 4 hours reading The Other Side of Paradise memoir by Staceyann Chin. I'm hypnotized and since I have no money I might go back tomorrow morning and finish reading it...It makes me think of...

...My notes from Church last Sunday-

''Act 16:16-34''
Sermon Title: "Outspoken"
:::Call me out of my comfort zone...He has planted a passion in my heart to do something. Holy discontent means that you can't take it anymore and I pray to God use me to do your work and change what can be changed through your strength.
Story of Esther- speak out and challenge the world. Don't accept the Devil's plan. Speak life into your situations. Believe God's Work and DON'T DOUBT. *The outspoken will face opposition which include your own self as well as other people.* In the end, God is in control.:::

Sigh...Ima gaze thru Chicago-style windows...

...and catch the groove cuzzz THE FREE FLOW IS CONTAGIOUS. OUTRAGEOUS the way I make moves...One day very soon I'll be consumed with the passion...a fire lit inside my heart like nothing you've ever seen. I'll bring it to you in a new way, make u want to experience my mindset.I want it to infiltrate more than one person. Ima call on a million women with each step of the way and when I reach them... Ima call on a million more so our backbones are strengthened twiceover...

But for now, RITE NOW, Im going thru the longshort cycle of underground panic that I always go through when something new is happening. It's kinda painful but it's my way of letting go. Love comes at the strangest times...

But...Chi-town here I come!!!!

*your attitude determines your altitude*

i love you more

*.Skeleton plan for my week.*

Monday: Get SAIC shit settled; Chill with Lil Sis.

Tuesday: Chill with Cuzzin? Then J-Girl?...

Wednesday: Chill with Wifey?!...:-D

Thursday: J-Girl...<3

Friday: Chill with Blast from the Past...8-)

yaaaaaaaawwwwn

I love Rufus. This song fits my mood right now...the lyrics...yesss man...Lol.

"I could hide out under there...

I just made you say 'underwear'." (-:

(Barenaked Ladies- Pinch Me)

Today was pretty good. My little cuzzin turned 8. The party for him was pretty good. Great food and great music.

And I got a purple i-pod nano. Graduation present. Good times...

I feel very chill right now. Ended up not going to the party in bk. I'm just not up to it...I want sum rest...

I'm thinking about...food and school and how this upcoming week is going to be brutal. I have so much to do and I gotta get it all done by September 3rd.

:-o

I hope college is nothing like high school...

OPEN HAPPINESS

Freedom. That's what I'm searching for. Going away in a couple weeks... I dread it but I treasure it. I'm learning to embrace the me I've never been able to be completely.

Alot of people ask me if I'm afraid about being so far away...I'm not. Not at all.

I'm kind of afraid about being so ready, willing and able to be myself. Afraid of my total unafraidness.

Yea...that's it...

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**AS LONG AS YOU KNOW THAT THE BRIDGE BETWEEN US IS A RAINBOW**

Bitter::Sweet

...I have two pillows on my bed.

One belongs under my head and the other goes between my legs. I've never contemplated why the other went between my legs but It makes me feel so good all around.

Nobody has ever held me in my sleep...slipped their hands around my hips and nestled their face into my neck...Something inside of me says I deserve that. Just somebody who is more than a friend to sleep beside me and hold me. I don't think it's too much to ask.

The first time I felt this way was when my then current girlfriend slept with my then current friend. Had her sleep over...watch her face in the waking moments of the morning. I fucking hated her forever for it...but I held on hoping that one day it would be my eyes she decided to look into one morning. Because I thought It was mine. I did so much to keep things together. And the backstabbing bitch who did shit got it all. Hm. Lol.

I was too inexperienced to realize that the moment wasn't mine to have...

That's why I love life. :-) It's about learning...among other things.

2:37 and 3:00 in Maxwell's Pretty Wings video makes me catch my breath...I'm obsessed with the women in the video...Amazing.

Maxwell - Pretty Wings (High Quality)
Uploaded by wonderful-life1989. - See the latest featured music videos.

This song has touched me to the core for some reason... Many reasons. It got so personal...Makes me think if relationships, me, and the story of my life.

Never have I had someone love me as strongly and deeply and unconditionally as I've loved them. It's a blessing to have such a strong heart but It also makes me used to being let down...and things not working out.

I'm surprised that my Jersey Girl showed up in the village like that...in those situations...I'm ready to be let down. For the person to not show up. That night, I took mad long to get all sexied up...but in the back of my mind there was a voice that was telling me that it wouldn't happen.

Hmm...It's such a shame. I'm not even trying to put myself to sleep with a sob story. I'm telling the honest truth. All of my relationships have been like...an orgasm that is RIGHT THERE but it just won't come no matter how hard you try. It's made me rock my weeping self to sleep many-a-time.

That's why I always do it myself. But I somehow stay open.

...I've been thinking about God. And how I'm supposedly condemned. And why good things happen to bad people. Just really deep thoughts for absolutely no reason but that I have a mind.



Aside from the fact that she is irresistibly sexy, Meshell is a blessing to this world. Her words and her outlook on life is unlike any I've ever seen. And she raises so many questions. About politics, identity, and expression.

I feel like I need to write a poem rite now...or create something. A sculpture. I feel like my hands are reaching for more than just a paintbrush...I daydream about installations. That kind of creation is what I'm sliding towards now.



That above is an old piece. Completed last summer during my last and most complicated relationship. If you were there, it would've been visceral. But now...it's virtual. It was rained on...fucked with by asshole art students...but every morning, I got up and filled up new balloons and made it look brand new.

That's me.

It's Not a Party: Relationships. They're a delicate push and pull. Minds are confused, hearts are broken, and lungs are filled and emptied until they feel like bursting. But we can't lose the connection- that hopeful beginning- those foundations.

My question for tonight is... How much knowledge must u gain in order to stop being naive?

...My guess is there aren't enough apples on that tree.