...these wounds are self inflicted...

I just read my blog entries from the first Incurable Humanist.

It made my heart cry out in joy and in anguish... where have i gone??

Where has my happy heart gone? Has it drowned in th pool of life. Has it been buried under the bullshit and tragedies?? Oh my dear lord please let me find myself again. I know I've been feeling lost but now that I know that I've actually lost something...It feels much more dire and serious in consequence.

I think I've gained something also... I think...something I don't know what to call.

"My life list consists of pros and cons. When I come up with one thing for one side.. I come up with another for the other side..."

I feel like crying now because something has been ripped out of me. Shit.. here it comes... I need some tissue and my stuffed dog...and a special friend.

Must I stop searching? Must I look towards the heavens and hope to hear "watch out below!!!"?

I feel like that's who I'm always missing. I hope it's normal to long this deeply so often so fast so much.

My mind goes blank from thinking so hard...My eyes go red from crying so hard...My fingers go stiff from writing so hard...

I need some color in my life. I need the strength to make it appear.

Goodnite.

Weapon of Choice

I think I'm gonna start a little personal art project.

Involving taking pictures and... whatever comes to mind. I feel the need to create something and I don't think painting is what my hands want to do at the moment.

Idea:
1. Take pictures.
2. Make a book.
3. Captions will be original poetry and stuff...
4. To be continued...

...I've been trying to move around and find my place in time... like wiggling around in a bed on a hot summer night tryin to find the cool side of the pillow. Not that I sleep on a pillow. I sleep on a huge stuffed dog.

:-) It's my weapon of choice.



Ummm... I've been having problems with my attitude about life. Day to day.

Today I went to the mall with a cutie. It was ok. Lol. Not anything amazing. But whatev. The thing is... I canceled a job meeting cuz I was sick of it. But it seems like I made the wrong choice. Things in (my) life tend to happen in order to tell me sumthing. And the fact that today was... so so... tells me that I need to open my eyes and realize the possibilities that I've been offered. I feel like I've been ungrateful for getting what I've prayed for. Hmmm. SORRY.

It just wasn't what I expected.

HEADLINE: A cutie who I was talking to called blogging "bullshit". Needless to say I corrected the muthafuckin Jersey City asshole. -_- Guess whos not getting any from me...

Anyway... I'm once again on a mission to make something new.

It's alot goin on in my brain. I feel like the world needs to catch up....

Orange Zest?! Vanilla Extract?!

I found something!!! Here it is...

And some poetry for those who want it...

Close like hands on any given sunday
Between the walls and cracks of the holy walls

We were told not to hold back
Not to keep sacred those sins between bathroom walls
Bow down- hold our souls- dropped to our stomachs
Turn away from our lessons and stories untold.

Past that day...
I've learned to cry.
Learned to dance.
Learned to sigh.

Because the tears gave way to wings, vintage dreams and long goodbyes.
Trips off to new places
New faces fill up my spaces with sprinkles and snaps...
Soft serve ice cream and tilted caps...

I realize in between lazy naps...
Hands between hands between thighs...
comfortable with closed eyes.

Not only will i survive...
But i will provide...

Hang in There!

I quit Vector.

Then I took it back. It was a sourceof my misery for the 2 days that i worked there.

=/

So... I'm back and I'm actually feeling better about it. It's just a job.

It's what i make it and I refuse to let it take over my life and my attitude. So, I'm gonna take it easy and have a good summer.

That's all i want.



Be back later on today with sum poetry. It's on the way. =]

Money vs. Me

I'm a Vector sales Rep for Cutco Merchandise.

I sell things. I'm ok at my job. But i think i want a different one. I wanted a 9 to 5 or one that has something to do with me. Like artistic or activist or just McDonalds.

Like routine. Idk... I looked really hard for a job and i prayed for one. The job found me. =]

But maybe its not the right one. Maybe it is. I'm really tired right now and I want to sleep.

I miss my sketchbook and theres no time to relax...

I miss my oil paint also. =[

and my canvas... and music...

It's kinda wiered how this job has taken over my life basically. Really wierd. I'm working really hard for something that means nothin me.---> Knives.

Like WTF???!!! Yea I CAN make a lot of money.

Hm. I'd rather have a stupid job and be able to have a stable schedule. I wanna work at an art gallery. Really badly. Alot.

=/

So what to do??

Am I supposed to be miserable?? Maybe until i get better...

1.Im gonna schedule driving classes.

2.Then I'm gonna call the contacts in Chitown.

3. Then I'm gonna contact the restaurant in Chicago. =]

4. Then Student Employment.


Get the ball rolling yo!!!!!!!! WOOt WOOOOOOT!!! That's my future rite there.

The next time I blog I'll be happier and painting again. Lol. i promise....myself.

...Ttyl.

I'll leave you with...



Bye!! =]