I just read my blog entries from the first Incurable Humanist.
It made my heart cry out in joy and in anguish... where have i gone??
Where has my happy heart gone? Has it drowned in th pool of life. Has it been buried under the bullshit and tragedies?? Oh my dear lord please let me find myself again. I know I've been feeling lost but now that I know that I've actually lost something...It feels much more dire and serious in consequence.
I think I've gained something also... I think...something I don't know what to call.
"My life list consists of pros and cons. When I come up with one thing for one side.. I come up with another for the other side..."
I feel like crying now because something has been ripped out of me. Shit.. here it comes... I need some tissue and my stuffed dog...and a special friend.
Must I stop searching? Must I look towards the heavens and hope to hear "watch out below!!!"?
I feel like that's who I'm always missing. I hope it's normal to long this deeply so often so fast so much.
My mind goes blank from thinking so hard...My eyes go red from crying so hard...My fingers go stiff from writing so hard...
I need some color in my life. I need the strength to make it appear.
Goodnite.
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5 comments:
hey lany, sweetheart you do have an angel
halo-ing about your being, even if at times
it doesn't seem that way.
your happiness is within your heart -
the joy is there - just gently tap it daily,
continually giving praise -
{{{hugs}}}
Aw thanks Nadege. I'm noticing this little by little everyday.
i hope u find what you're looking for real soon. i do the same thing. :D it's a little vain but i re-read old entries every now and then just to see how much i've changed.
thanks for leaving that wonderful comment on my blog. i think this post, too is very honest. thank you for sharing your honesty and tears.
btw, is the title a katy perry reference? she's incredibly poppy but i love her nonetheless. i consider thinking of you to be my life song.
whats the point of expressing ur self if its not totally honest? =] thanx cb for your comment also. and yea it is a katy perry ref. i luv her too. aaaw that song is sooo saaaad...
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