RENAISSANCE WOMAN.

"Tell me a story and take me away
C'mon and take me oooo
C'mon and take me with u.

Life is, better
Now that, now that Ive found you."

I'm so restless right now...I'm opening my mouth to scream yet nothin comes out!!!! Ugh!!!

I feel stifled and my mind is filled with so many thoughts and and I realize that I'm just thinking too much cuz it's all in my head. Frustration is not fun but it's how i feel right now. Part of me doesn't want to leave cuz I feel like I'm missing out on so much. But then the other part wants to miss it.

Today::::I went to Barnes and Noble on 86th and Lexington and just chilled for about 4 hours reading The Other Side of Paradise memoir by Staceyann Chin. I'm hypnotized and since I have no money I might go back tomorrow morning and finish reading it...It makes me think of...

...My notes from Church last Sunday-

''Act 16:16-34''
Sermon Title: "Outspoken"
:::Call me out of my comfort zone...He has planted a passion in my heart to do something. Holy discontent means that you can't take it anymore and I pray to God use me to do your work and change what can be changed through your strength.
Story of Esther- speak out and challenge the world. Don't accept the Devil's plan. Speak life into your situations. Believe God's Work and DON'T DOUBT. *The outspoken will face opposition which include your own self as well as other people.* In the end, God is in control.:::

Sigh...Ima gaze thru Chicago-style windows...

...and catch the groove cuzzz THE FREE FLOW IS CONTAGIOUS. OUTRAGEOUS the way I make moves...One day very soon I'll be consumed with the passion...a fire lit inside my heart like nothing you've ever seen. I'll bring it to you in a new way, make u want to experience my mindset.I want it to infiltrate more than one person. Ima call on a million women with each step of the way and when I reach them... Ima call on a million more so our backbones are strengthened twiceover...

But for now, RITE NOW, Im going thru the longshort cycle of underground panic that I always go through when something new is happening. It's kinda painful but it's my way of letting go. Love comes at the strangest times...

But...Chi-town here I come!!!!

*your attitude determines your altitude*

i love you more

*.Skeleton plan for my week.*

Monday: Get SAIC shit settled; Chill with Lil Sis.

Tuesday: Chill with Cuzzin? Then J-Girl?...

Wednesday: Chill with Wifey?!...:-D

Thursday: J-Girl...<3

Friday: Chill with Blast from the Past...8-)

yaaaaaaaawwwwn

I love Rufus. This song fits my mood right now...the lyrics...yesss man...Lol.

"I could hide out under there...

I just made you say 'underwear'." (-:

(Barenaked Ladies- Pinch Me)

Today was pretty good. My little cuzzin turned 8. The party for him was pretty good. Great food and great music.

And I got a purple i-pod nano. Graduation present. Good times...

I feel very chill right now. Ended up not going to the party in bk. I'm just not up to it...I want sum rest...

I'm thinking about...food and school and how this upcoming week is going to be brutal. I have so much to do and I gotta get it all done by September 3rd.

:-o

I hope college is nothing like high school...

OPEN HAPPINESS

Freedom. That's what I'm searching for. Going away in a couple weeks... I dread it but I treasure it. I'm learning to embrace the me I've never been able to be completely.

Alot of people ask me if I'm afraid about being so far away...I'm not. Not at all.

I'm kind of afraid about being so ready, willing and able to be myself. Afraid of my total unafraidness.

Yea...that's it...

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**AS LONG AS YOU KNOW THAT THE BRIDGE BETWEEN US IS A RAINBOW**

Bitter::Sweet

...I have two pillows on my bed.

One belongs under my head and the other goes between my legs. I've never contemplated why the other went between my legs but It makes me feel so good all around.

Nobody has ever held me in my sleep...slipped their hands around my hips and nestled their face into my neck...Something inside of me says I deserve that. Just somebody who is more than a friend to sleep beside me and hold me. I don't think it's too much to ask.

The first time I felt this way was when my then current girlfriend slept with my then current friend. Had her sleep over...watch her face in the waking moments of the morning. I fucking hated her forever for it...but I held on hoping that one day it would be my eyes she decided to look into one morning. Because I thought It was mine. I did so much to keep things together. And the backstabbing bitch who did shit got it all. Hm. Lol.

I was too inexperienced to realize that the moment wasn't mine to have...

That's why I love life. :-) It's about learning...among other things.

2:37 and 3:00 in Maxwell's Pretty Wings video makes me catch my breath...I'm obsessed with the women in the video...Amazing.

Maxwell - Pretty Wings (High Quality)
Uploaded by wonderful-life1989. - See the latest featured music videos.

This song has touched me to the core for some reason... Many reasons. It got so personal...Makes me think if relationships, me, and the story of my life.

Never have I had someone love me as strongly and deeply and unconditionally as I've loved them. It's a blessing to have such a strong heart but It also makes me used to being let down...and things not working out.

I'm surprised that my Jersey Girl showed up in the village like that...in those situations...I'm ready to be let down. For the person to not show up. That night, I took mad long to get all sexied up...but in the back of my mind there was a voice that was telling me that it wouldn't happen.

Hmm...It's such a shame. I'm not even trying to put myself to sleep with a sob story. I'm telling the honest truth. All of my relationships have been like...an orgasm that is RIGHT THERE but it just won't come no matter how hard you try. It's made me rock my weeping self to sleep many-a-time.

That's why I always do it myself. But I somehow stay open.

...I've been thinking about God. And how I'm supposedly condemned. And why good things happen to bad people. Just really deep thoughts for absolutely no reason but that I have a mind.



Aside from the fact that she is irresistibly sexy, Meshell is a blessing to this world. Her words and her outlook on life is unlike any I've ever seen. And she raises so many questions. About politics, identity, and expression.

I feel like I need to write a poem rite now...or create something. A sculpture. I feel like my hands are reaching for more than just a paintbrush...I daydream about installations. That kind of creation is what I'm sliding towards now.



That above is an old piece. Completed last summer during my last and most complicated relationship. If you were there, it would've been visceral. But now...it's virtual. It was rained on...fucked with by asshole art students...but every morning, I got up and filled up new balloons and made it look brand new.

That's me.

It's Not a Party: Relationships. They're a delicate push and pull. Minds are confused, hearts are broken, and lungs are filled and emptied until they feel like bursting. But we can't lose the connection- that hopeful beginning- those foundations.

My question for tonight is... How much knowledge must u gain in order to stop being naive?

...My guess is there aren't enough apples on that tree.