nerds have a scent of gold

Waaah. I am atlas. Hold the world on my shoulders while I dance in my highest heels. I dream in color and sleep in the sunlight shining through my window.

By the way to all who sent me good wishes... I got the job!!

Full time jobs are crazy. But... first time for everything...Blah...

Always tired and It's hard to make time for my artistic tendency...

Uhm. I Iove Santogold. And The Strokes. . . And Little Dragon. And Janelle Monae. And Madonna... Haha.

I like working at starbucks tho and it's a pretty good job. Actually really good experience. I heard urban outfitters pays 11 and hour tho...Hm. Lol. Whatever tho. I'm tryna focus on getting into school now. Cuz it's WAY over due.

1. NYU
2. Eugene Lang New School for Liberal Arts
3. SVA

That's my list so far... Spring Semester hopefully. I need ot get back on track.

Cuz I'm not supposed to be JUST a working girl. I have to be more. I'm meant for more...



Peace. Gotta find my...oooooooh.

; )

Lesbian Christian Part Deux: U People

I thought some more fellow bloggers...I know I haven't typed in a while. So here goes!

FIRST: I went to an AWESOME open house at The LGBT Center at West 13th St. on Sept. 15.

I got into this convo with a man who represented a church called GIFTS. (A Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Fellowship at Marble Collegiate Church). He explained to me the basis of his church--- "because we are brought up a certain way, we are pressured to reject ourselves and believe that being Gay is a sin. But, the teachings about God creating us and God being in control fully rejects the idea that being gay is a sin."

He told me about a woman who teaches at the church, who is a nun (:-0 WOAH...),that the stories and teachings of the bible don't condemn homosexuality. She's going against the catholic church, basically...obviously...

I told him that I've been recently thinking about my faith and my love for God and my wondering if God loves me and if my being a lesbian was gonna put me in hell...

He gave me this piece of paper entitled: What the Bible Says (and Doesn't Say) About Homosexuality presented by Sister Carol Perry (the nun).

I read it and I'm so very confused...

Here are the links to the scriptures...

Genesis 19:1-10

Leviticus 18:22

Matthew 10:14-15

Romans 1:26-27

1 Corinthians 6:9-10

1 Timothy 1:9-10

Yea so after reading those.. I was even more confused. Maybe I'm missing something.

Other that, the open house was GREAT. I want to do so much at the programs that were there.

ESPECIALLY THE "AUDRE LORDE PROJECT". Definitely gonna see what that's about...

SECOND: My discoveries about the world around me: It is impossible for all of us to conform to a certain image in order to make it to heaven. I pray, read the Bible, attend church... and all of that. I refuse to believe that I am exempt from God's graces because I relate to women in a way that society deems unnatural. Honestly, it makes no sense to me.

God came to this earth and died for our sins- which included hating those different from us. Racism, classism, heterosexism and all these fucking -isms have been used to exempt people from the good things in life throughout TIME. And it is about TIME that we all just say FUCK THAT and learn from the past. Either that or a REVOLUTION GON COME.

WHO IS ANYONE TO SAY WHAT GOD SAYS? I WOULD NEVER PRESUME TO SAY I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THIS WORLD IS ABOUT. ONLY GOD KNOWS. SO I CAN'T HATE ON GOD'S CREATIVITY. I KNOW HE HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR THOUGH. . . That's why you gotta laugh a little bit sometimes at the shit people go through to hurt others. Those kinds of people are called HATERS.

Those who have nothing else to do with their lives except to deprive people of life itself.

Roman 3:23 "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God."

Now, I must admit that, with all this talk, I am still sooo very insecure about my being/ myself. But the thing is that I know the outcome I just gotta get there. I know that in the end, I will once again find peace in being myself and accepting who I am. I just gotta get through this.

And remain who I am. Spiritual, loved by God, filled with love for Him, myself, my family (even those who hate), my life...

I'm surprised I didn't experience this self doubt when I came out at 13. I'm 18 next Saturday and I'm just now experiencing this questioning and fear. Go figure.

VIDEO BREAK!!!!

"He Doesn't Want a Conflict" - U People Story (11.07.1)
by upeople_archive

Third!!

I've had two interviews with Starbucks...and I have the third one tomorrow!! Wish me luck!! I really REALLY wanna work there!!...

Last: I've started to paint and create again... Soon pics will be uploaded...

Much love...

Urban Arts Projects: PERFORM WILLIAMSBURG

And so... IT WAS AWESOME guys!!!!

In the beginning, I and my fellow volunteer Ashley, had to hand out flyers about the event on Bedford ave at the L train station. It was INTENSE. Cuz people are RUDE. Ugh... that's something I want to get paid for doing next time...

Other than that, it was exciting to be backstage at a performance art event. I missed alot of the program but the parts I saw were soooOOOoooo original, inventive, thought provoking, funny...I had to sit down and take out my sketchbook for sum head to pen to paper action...

Power Animal Challenge by Jason Martin

Description: Dominatrix She-Lion directing a fearsome wrestling match on a mattress between other animals... A kitten being one of them...

Approx. Ex.|They marched into the park. The Dominatrix walking ahead of the rest who were holding the mattress they were to later fight on top of. She leashed the kitten also, all of which brought the park-goer's attention to them. Yes! It was a sight to see! Laughter, amazement and disbelief were among the reactions of the unsuspecting sunbathers...

Work For Pay by Lydia Bell

Description: Two dancers stood in the park. Wearing sashes that read "For Hire". Speaking to passersby about their lives as choreographers, artists, and fundamentally, as people who want to do what they love, have no job, who do whatever they can to support themselves and throughout the whole thing- while talking- they are moving and dancing. Idk idk idk if i explained it right. It was just great. You shoulda seen it!!

Approx ex.|"Believe it or not, I'm getting paid to do this performance (swings arm and twists body). Getting paid under the table technically, I'd prefer to be payed above (throws hands into the sky and startlingly bends over) the table."

It was great believe me...I was astonished. I've never seen anything like it and it's totally kept my intrigue and interest...I LOVED IT.

I wanna work with Lydia Bell!!! SHE'S A FUCKING GENIUS. FORREAL...Nobody's on her steez...





THIS IS WHAT I CALL LIVING THROUGH YOUR ART DAMMIT!!!

Performance art is something I GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA work towards...as if my life DEPENDS ON IT.


WHICH IT TOTALLY DOES.

:-)

Woah.

I have an interview with Urban Arts Projects at 5pm today. :-)

So fucking excited!!!!

I'm gonna be volunteering at the event on sunday. I need to call that place so i can start working. blaaahhhh....

One day. I will live off of this art. live off of this life...

Obama's speech on healthcare was a highlight of the week. No doubt.

I love Lichiban. (Do your research.)

Theopolous London. :-)

Guitar Hero.

Tattoos and piercings.

Gonna go shopping for paint, canvas, gesso, oil materials and clay sometime soon...

Animout!!!! Gotta make my way to Brooklyn ya'll!

Remember to feed the young souls.

I am a christian lesbian deep in thought.

No music... Just a breeze through my window...

Thinking about me being a lesbian and God's thoughts about it.

It's hard not to think. Ya know? It's inevitable...

"One can not serve two Gods, because eventually he will love one and hate the other."- My dad. (prolly quoted from sum other person...)

It's not possible for me to hate God or women in general. I honestly don't know what to think. Hard to not question myself. Am I going to Hell?

Why did He give me this feeling. Nothing feels quite as right as when I'm with a woman. Is it the sex part? Cuz if it is... then all forms of sex is a sin. And the "other God" I'm "serving" is pleasure.

Does that mean I have to swear off sex? I don't want to have sex with a man. I want to have sex with a woman. Why is it not a sin for a man to have sex with a woman but it is supposedly a sin for me and other women to? It's all the same to me. Pleasure...

Yea. Men and women were created. To make children. Yes I understand that and I agree with that. But after the children come... what then? What if the love and affection don't exist as intense as with the same sex for either person? The man loves a man and the woman loves a woman. They (we) can't do what feels right? I don't believe that God is cruel enough to do that to us. To have us be attracted to the same gender emotionally, physically, and every other way...

I asked God for an answer... I don't think I've gotten an answer yet. Weird thing is my girlfriend thinks it's a sin to be a lesbian. That would make her a hypocrite, right? She was raised in the church and believes she's going to Hell. Then why do it??

I don't believe I'm going to Hell. I don't believe I was born gay either. I was born neither straight nor gay but, since I'm human, I decided to find pleasure in human things. And girls provide that for me abundantly as well as other connetions that go beyond the physical.

This does not mean that I'm replacing my spirituality with physicality. It's love all around. He put women in my life that have connected with me on levels that the world has deemed unnatural.

I guess if all this is true and in order to be a "good Christian", I'll have to be celibate and devote myself to God. But you know what?... I don't know if that's possible for most people. To quit sex. I mean...yea it is for...uhm...people who really want to.

I know that I don't want to do that. Is that a slap in the face to God? :-( I wish I knew for certain.

And once the sex part is out... the emotional comes in. And that part is all the more intense...

How is that serving two Gods though? I love God and everything He's done for me and just because He is my creator and savior. I want to be a good person, do his will and fulfill my destiny (whatever that may be). I feel that being myself- lesbian and all- is crucial to for me to do that.


I try my best to follow God and ask for His guidance and strive not to be hypocrite. I hate being human. I wish I was a lesser animal. So I wouldn't have to deal with wondering. Homosexuality is maaaaaaaad natural in the wild. Lol.

And I'm pretty sure we are all basically animals with more advanced brain workings and what not... Which is how God came to be discovered. And faith was created. Well... that's how I think about it.

To be continued. . .